Barking School for Clucks

Hey! Max again!

So I recently watched one of my humans, Savannah, do an online class thing. Her human teacher told her about a final assignment. She was supposed to pretend she was teaching an "English" class, which I think is weird because she already speaks the language. I decided to try something similar, but instead of a human, I'll be teaching the new creatures living in my house, I call them clucks, how to bark! Now, I know what you other dogs are thinking, why would a dog try to teach a cluck how to bark instead of eating them? Let me put it this way, I've tried; the humans always catch me. So, I thought I would try to make the best of this.

Day One: Training Hedwig

This is Hedwig:

She is Savannah's cluck. I decided that it would be easiest if I trained one at a time. So I decided to start with Hedwig.

First I bark at her. She jumps away and does her cluck thing. This is going to take longer than I thought, I groan. I walk up to her quietly. I give her a little bark, just soft so she doesn't get scared again. She looks at me curiously. Alright, now we're getting somewhere. I bark again, the same amount of softness. She replied - I think - with a cluck. I felt like barking really loud, out of happiness, but then I remembered what happened the first time with the cluck and I decided against it. But, we're making progress.

Day Two: Training Eggsy

This is Eggsy:

She is the older male's cluck. Training her is a little harder than training Hedwig. Eggsy is the loudest cluck out of all of them. She clucks and clucks non-stop. She is also very active, so she doesn't sit still at all. It's as if she thinks she's an eagle, ready to do anything. I try to train her just like I did with Hedwig, but she doesn't listen much so I had to figure out another way. I decided to figure out what to do in a couple days.

Day Three: Training Hei Hei

This is Hei Hei:

I think she got her name from one of the humans repeatedly say, "Hey, stop it! Hey, hey, hey!" I also remember watching a movie with the little humans. It was about a girl named Moana I think. Anyway, Hei Hei is the little humans' cluck. I think she is the second loudest, after Eggsy, of course. Training her was difficult, but I tried it anyway. First, I barked at her, softly. She didn't react. I tried again. Nothing happened. I tried again. Same result. I inwardly groaned. She's impossible! I try one more time, louder. She turns her head towards me, but then looks away. Oh well. I guess that should be all for today, I thought. I'll try again when I'm done training the others. I put Hei Hei back in her cage.

Day Four: Training Coconut

This is Coconut:

To me, she looks like one of those creatures that fly around at night. The humans call those creatures owls, I think. My humans insist on calling her a chicken. I don't know why. I feel bad that they always call her scared. She is one of the older female humans' cluck. Anyway, back to the training - it's not going real well. I tried the same trick that I did with Hedwig. It worked for a little bit, but she soon forgot all about me and went back to eat her food.

The Next Day:

Okay, so after day four, I decided not to train them anymore. As I reflect on what happened during the past few days, I came to realize that... training them is just too hard. I know you other dogs look at me and see this amazing, carefree, never say never kind of dog, but in reality, only some of that is true. The clucks are four weeks old and act like the little humans who don't listen to anyone. The clucks were so hard to take care of that, after I was done training Coconut, I passed out on the couch. If any other dogs out there want to try something like this, make sure, before you start, you have enough patience to go through with what you're thinking. I'm going to go take a nap now. Until next time!

Hi! This is Savannah. I just found my dog passed out on my couch with this page open on my computer. So I, being the person that I am, decided to take a look. It is my computer, after all. From what I can tell, Max has been doing a very good job writing these posts. I do have some suggestions though. One would be to actually listen to what we're saying and not make up random words. Max, this one is pointed towards you. "Clucks" is not what they're called; they are called chickens. Also, when you're trying to train them, give them treats when they do it right. That's what we "humans" do to train dogs. But, over all, I think you did a very good job. It takes a lot of work to train a chicken. I just hope other dogs out there can be as good a dog as you are. I love you and you are the best friend a girl like me could have. Good luck writing this blog!

A Quarantined Family in the Eyes of Max

Things have been really weird around my house. When my humans aren't home, I am usually outside, but now, I mostly sleep in my favorite bed that one of my humans made. When I am awake, I watch everything. The humans don't even know that I watch them. Well, they kind of do. One of the humans, a female human, said one day, "Max is sort of in a 'fly on the wall' situation. Even though you can't see the flies, they can see everything. That is what Max does. You don't even realize it but he's watching us."

Ever since this COVID-19 thing happened, my humans have been acting strange. They stay at home all the time, and when they do leave, they come back home and wash their hands like they might get some kind of virus. They take me on walks more often and my favorite human, Savannah, always gets mad when I have to go relieve myself on the sidewalk or bushes - I think the humans think it's some kind of punishment. When I'm lying in my bed and the humans think I'm asleep, I can see weird things. They spend more time outside. They go on walks; they play games outside; they take me outside to go on walks with them. The way they just started doing things with me, caught me by surprise, but after a couple days it almost seemed normal. It made me feel good inside and happy.

One of the games I watch them play outside, they call Ladder Ball. They hold a set of balls which has one string connecting the two balls together. They throw the balls onto two short ladders. It looks like to me that they will do anything to keep busy. The taller human - I think the little humans called her mom - put some tape on the brick wall outside and the little humans drew with this chalk thing. They made a picture of a bunch of shapes and used what I assume were different "colors." Like all dogs, I'm color blind, which means I can only see black and white. The humans make pictures out of little pieces of cardboard they call "puzzle pieces." They must have made a hundred of those magical pictures. My favorite human was building this one:

Also they watch movies almost every night! They watched movies called Ghostbusters; they watched Groundhog Day; they watched Sister Act, and they're in the middle of Sister Act 2. They also just remodeled my whole backyard!

You never know what's going to happen next in my house. I'm sure that your house is just as crazy. Just remember, I am always here to help you through the weirdness.

3 Easy Steps on How to Torture Your Humans' Cat

This is my humans' cat. They call her Skittles. I call her *dramatic pause* The Cat. She is a monster. Then again, most cats are. They will take advantage of you; they will steal your humans away; they will also take your bed. If you are a medium size dog - I am a medium size dog - then you know you're not allowed on the couch, or you're not supposed to sit on people unless they let you up. Well, cats aren't like that. They can go anywhere they want. Cats will hop up onto a humans lap and they're too scared to do anything about it. Once the cat gets settled and the human relaxes, she attacks! My human's cat, The Cat, will attack and then, once the human jumps out of their seat, she steals it! You don't want to end up like that dog, Bruno, from Cinderella when Lucifer "attacked" him. Also, there are outside cats and inside cats, but there is only one type of dog. Dogs aren't allowed to go walking around out in the front yard without a leash. Cats can. Dogs aren't allowed to do anything that cats can. That is why I'm writing this: so that dogs everywhere can know how to properly torture their humans' cats.

1. You have to know what makes them tick, and then, exploit it.

For The Cat, it's being woke up from a nap. This is what she looked like when she was woke up from her scheduled two-thirty catnap. She was NOT happy. It gave me this weird feeling inside that I only feel in certain times. I felt sorry... for my human who woke her up, not for The Cat of course.

2. You have to annoy her enough that she gets up and faces you.

I annoyed her so much that she got up so fast you would have thought she was running away from the bath. When you annoy them, cats will usually either meow or hiss. If they meow, mess with them more. If they hiss, you can take up defensive positions, but don't show fear. Dogs may be more powerful, but cats are sharper. In the old dog language, cats are called Sharp Claws. Trust me. You don't want to feel what those claws can do. But you can't back away until you have to. You don't want cats to think they are braver than you or that they are stronger in any way.

3. Make them so scared of you that when they see you, they run and hide.

After I was through with The Cat, she ran away and looked like this:

She's trying to hide if you can't tell. I scared her so bad that she didn't show up for her nightly refill of food for almost a week (when that happens, you know you've done your job).

That is how you properly torture a cat. If you listen to my advice, you can mess with any cat you want. And if your mother or father dog tell you not to, well, you tell them that I, Max, gave you permission.