3 Easy Steps on How to Torture Your Humans' Cat

This is my humans' cat. They call her Skittles. I call her *dramatic pause* The Cat. She is a monster. Then again, most cats are. They will take advantage of you; they will steal your humans away; they will also take your bed. If you are a medium size dog - I am a medium size dog - then you know you're not allowed on the couch, or you're not supposed to sit on people unless they let you up. Well, cats aren't like that. They can go anywhere they want. Cats will hop up onto a humans lap and they're too scared to do anything about it. Once the cat gets settled and the human relaxes, she attacks! My human's cat, The Cat, will attack and then, once the human jumps out of their seat, she steals it! You don't want to end up like that dog, Bruno, from Cinderella when Lucifer "attacked" him. Also, there are outside cats and inside cats, but there is only one type of dog. Dogs aren't allowed to go walking around out in the front yard without a leash. Cats can. Dogs aren't allowed to do anything that cats can. That is why I'm writing this: so that dogs everywhere can know how to properly torture their humans' cats.

1. You have to know what makes them tick, and then, exploit it.

For The Cat, it's being woke up from a nap. This is what she looked like when she was woke up from her scheduled two-thirty catnap. She was NOT happy. It gave me this weird feeling inside that I only feel in certain times. I felt sorry... for my human who woke her up, not for The Cat of course.

2. You have to annoy her enough that she gets up and faces you.

I annoyed her so much that she got up so fast you would have thought she was running away from the bath. When you annoy them, cats will usually either meow or hiss. If they meow, mess with them more. If they hiss, you can take up defensive positions, but don't show fear. Dogs may be more powerful, but cats are sharper. In the old dog language, cats are called Sharp Claws. Trust me. You don't want to feel what those claws can do. But you can't back away until you have to. You don't want cats to think they are braver than you or that they are stronger in any way.

3. Make them so scared of you that when they see you, they run and hide.

After I was through with The Cat, she ran away and looked like this:

She's trying to hide if you can't tell. I scared her so bad that she didn't show up for her nightly refill of food for almost a week (when that happens, you know you've done your job).

That is how you properly torture a cat. If you listen to my advice, you can mess with any cat you want. And if your mother or father dog tell you not to, well, you tell them that I, Max, gave you permission.